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To My Beloved, As We Lie Awake

I wonder if you’re lying in bed awake too, counting the stars as they pass by in the sky outside your window. Of course you’re awake. When you share a soul, one is always just as awake as the other.

I lie here, feeling you next to me. I got your message, that I don’t have to wake up to an empty bed – and I heard you. I let you into my bed, into my arms, into my dreams, into my heart again like it was always meant to be. But still… still all I hold is your ghost.

I won’t apologize for missing you fiercely, or for wanting you in my life in every aspect. On a night like this where neither of us could sleep I would put my hand on your chest and breath to the beat of your heart – my lullaby, my song.

You see, I love you. But those words never did describe how we feel about each other. No, I SEE you for who we are – one soul, one unit, one everlasting reflection. I am you, and you are me, and we act as one.

Somebody told me today that it’s hard to be with someone who is eclipsing half their light. I’m sorry I abandoned you long before you abandoned me. I’m sorry about that night that I lay naked in your arms, only wanting you and our eternal merge – to turn inward and know, “I’m not ready to be loved by you.”

I’m sorry it took me so damn long to realize that I had abandoned myself so long ago, that I had eclipsed my light so I could feel somewhat “human” and “normal”. But what’s normal when you’re not even of this earth? Nothing we had an example of before.

And that’s the tragedy of it all… you knew better but I didn’t. And I just wasn’t ready to un-eclipse myself and give you my all. Maybe I’ll never be ready. Maybe I’ll drift back to sleep in your arms and wake up healed. Maybe I’ll text you, maybe you’ll text me and we’ll fall back into each other’s arms – relearning who we have become through this past year. Maybe. Maybe is the key word.

Either way, you did the right thing by leaving. We weren’t being fair to each other, and neither of us were healed or mature enough to carry our love forward. I don’t hate you for leaving. I only respect you for knowing what a healthy relationship is and what it is not. And I love you regardless, without needing you here with me. I receive love freely and openly from you always, and I give love back without expectation or condition.

But you said it best, sometimes two people have to fall apart before coming back together. And sometimes love has to withstand the wear of time and space – to grow and anchor into this new reality we have created. And I can tell you that I love you more now than I did back then.

I want you to know that the seeds you planted in me are beginning to take root. The demons you tried to chase out of the dark are finally coming to the light – my light that I’ve been so blind to all this time. And I know that the seeds I planted in you are starting to sprout as well, being fed from the great riches of your soul – our soul.

I’m sorry that we have demons, but add that to the list of things I need to forgive myself for. As souls we must have lost our minds to think we could take on this much so fast. Lifetime after lifetime, we should have just sat this one out in the ethers. Been the guides we have always been. But I wanted to be here. I wanted to experience the pleasures and the intense healing. I wanted to take our primordial wounds and turn them into light again. And for that I forgive myself, and love our resilience and willingness to serve.

I wasn’t ready then, but I didn’t understand all that I know now. I’ve grown up, light years, and so have you. I have to remember that we aren’t who we used to be. But I still love you, more than I ever have and less than I ever will. So maybe I am ready.

I know that you don’t care about my trespasses against you anymore. I know that the wounds we dealt each other have healed and all thats left is the love and yearning to be one again. We are more ready now than we have ever been.

My Beloved, despite all my soul wounds of abandonment; my illusions of separation and disconnect; my desire to be seen by those who haven’t opened their eye, I am ready to receive you now. But even more importantly, I am ready to receive myself – my own authentic soul truth. I am ready to receive guidance and sweet surrender of all that is. I am ready to serve the world by being a bright, unencumbered sun. I am ready to work with you, not against you. To work within myself, not without.

I have something that you gave me – faith, power, and love. Thank you. I have never received such an exquisite and graceful gift, my love. It doesn’t surprise me that it would come from you. I can only hope that I have given you the same in return all these months apart.

Just know, as you lay here with your hand in mine and our feet intertwined that I will always be yours and you will always be mine. Apart we are Divine, and together we are Sacred. There is no greater truth than this, Beloved.

I love you. Know this, see this, and remember this forever and always.

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